a practice in selfishness

I never realize that I've wasted the day while I'm busy wasting it. Only once the minutes are spent and irretrievable do I take inventory of how I used them. Am I enjoying these wasted days or am I just content in the knowledge that doing nothing is less terrible than doing something and failing at it? I don't allow myself to enjoy the moment, I only enjoy memories, photographs and conversations basking in reminiscence.
Hedonism is my new goal. I will enjoy my moments as they happen and worry less about whether I am doing it right. I believe that I already have a far more carefree and present-centered existence than most people and somehow I still face these troubles. Such is life, I guess.
I also am unsure of whether to be more selfish or more empathetic, whether I should practice making myself happy regardless of how many toes I step on or if I should make my shoulders broader in order to lift other people up. Which would make me more happy? I believe that bearing the burden of other people will make me happier now, but what about ten years from now? Will I feel like I stole my own chance at success by putting all of my strength toward helping other people? Will I want for more material possessions, and have no means of achieving them while watching the people I helped and placed idealistic good faith in succeed? Will I be "successful" and look back at the people that I stepped on and abused and feel that all of this success is for naught? I believe that I pick the first path, at least for now. I hope that I never become the kind of person that envies another for material possessions. I hope that nobody ever envies me for my material possessions, I would sooner give everything away than make someone else feel less than me for want of what I have.
I'm blabbering, but I have nobody to talk to at this moment, and typing feels better than pen to paper right now. I build emotional challenges like mazes, I don't give myself  the reprieve of cheese at the end though. I keep creating messes in my mind, I keep seeing lies in peoples' eyes, I keep hearing humor in emotional replies. I'm rusty, I'm not used to reciprocating emotions, I'm used to having the upper hand in that I am the one being pined over. When I do feel for someone I am incapable of pursuit, I can't allow myself to feel so vulnerable and needy. This is hard and private so I should shut up my face, fingers, whatever the hell.